When the Dalmatian flung embarrassing poo.

It all started innocent enough.  And ended wickedly devilish.

Doing laundry, I found a receipt in Johnny Depp's jeans pocket and was about to crumple it up, but something caught my eye:

BLUEBERRY CONDOMS
COLGATE

Wait. What? Did I read that right?


BLUEBERRY CONDOMS
COLGATE


Yep, there it was in black and white.

We use neither. Odd.

In my head it went thusly:

Do they make them to taste like blueberries, or the colour of blueberries? Why would they make them taste like blueberries silly Kat....Oh. OH. Ah. Must be the colour....

And in a flash I knew how that receipt got there. And not the Jerry-my-husband-is-cheating-on-me-with-my-lover's-sister/cousin/friend/goat-Springer kinda way.

The evening before we were at - oh let's call her Pénélope - apartment for supper, enjoying merriment, food and beverages, fun! As we did dishes Johnny Depp took the Dalmatian for his constitutional in the park, picking up a recycled store bag from a bin just inside her door. Hand inside bag, find and remove receipt, put paper in pocket, pick up and bag poo...

Of course, THE first call I made was to her!

I thought "BLUEBERRY CONDOMS?"  in lieu of hello, would be appropriate. Then utter silence. Surely she was trying to figure out how the heck I knew about a very private joke purchase for her new beau.  There was also some sputtering about friends who go through other friends garbage and how I was enjoying this embarrassment a little too much  - we both blamed Humphrey for having to poo - then laughed until no tears nor pee could ever come out ever again.

God I love that woman.

Next call was to Johnny Depp at work. I took a very serious tone. Well, as serious as I can with him.

"I found a receipt in your jeans, it says, are you ready for this? It says you purchased blueberry condoms and Colgate."

Again with the shocked silence as he tried to piece together the letters I had spoken into words he could understand. But I maintained my 3 minutes of acting.


"HOW COULD YOU?!?! We use CREST!"








*Click*

I hung up. I had to. We were laughing so hard I needed to pee again.

Comments

stivafan said…
Mmmmmm, Colgate.
9 January 2012 at 02:24
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Tale of The Pandemic Rodent with A New Cast of Characters.

Image
I know, it has been a while. How. How are you still reading this blog over the years? You are wonderful, thanks. Or you need a life. Either way, yay! How is your Covid coming along? Unexpected wasn't it? Unless you are a epidemiologist, then you've known for years so stop showing off with your silly science. Now back to the tale. Do you guys remember the video about that family in Ireland with a loose bat in their kitchen? No? Here is the link, I'll wait: IRISH FAMILY WITH LOOSE BAT IN KITCHEN Hysterical yes? I am Irish as well, added bonus is me quoting this video, accent included, since its inception. During the ongoing epidemic we have temporarily moved in our elderly neighbour, originally from Belfast. She also happened to have given birth to me and was accompanied by The Anti Christ, aka her little dog. She's a cute Satan yes? She's actually highly trainable. After a month of pig headedness and constant supervision by me, she now sits on he
Read more

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.

Image
I paid a professional to murder my heart on four legs. I understand they do not call it murder at the vet clinic. I understand that it isn't murder. I did what was best. The humane thing to do. I get it but for the life of me I couldn't figure out what to wear to a killing. I mean should I wear a poncho whilst chewing tobacco à la Clint Eastwood in one of those western movies? Or maybe a black veil and giant crucifix since the funeral and viewing of the body happens straight after? If only I spoke Italian, I would wail my sorrow loudly to make sure the Italian deity could hear me and let me have a place in the Italian heaven, because pasta. Now dear readers you are wondering if I have finally gone off the deep end. Is she that callous to make light of such a sad and horrible time? Did she not love that poor soul? The answer is whatever you want it to be get your own blog. Wait that was rude...You see Humphrey was (I just typed the word 'was' and may have vomited
Read more

He's just a dog.

Image
I call this:  "Plaid Dalmatian On Mosaic" 15 years on Earth that one.  15 years he has given me myself. He has taught me so much. Sure he taught me all about dog stuff, whatever, but mostly he taught me how to live. How to love. How to be free. How low self esteem is made up human garbage because to him, the sun rises and sets with me. To him, I am love. To him, I can do no wrong. The egg cracked and he imprinted on me. He chose me. Go figure. For 15 years I have tried to live up to what this creature sees in me. I crawled out of my safe cocoon and drove alone in blinding snow late at night to get to his classes in the middle of nowhere. I drove to different locations pre GPS to get him to race practices. I am geographically challenged people! I learned how to knit because he needed a sweater. I had to make friends with literally hundreds of people who have the same breed. PEOPLE! Yakking at me everyday. What is this world coming to? He begat The Mute Deer Goat
Read more